My Story #22 – What are you waiting for?

My Story #22 – What are you waiting for?

Desi Jagger's Blog

My Story #22 – What are you waiting for?

 

Think of the last time you were waiting to hear whether you passed the test, got the promotion or were confirmed healthy by your doctor. How did you feel?

 

I used to have a terrible relationship with Waiting. I rushed and pushed and shouted angrily at it until it became this big bad monster hiding in the corner of the room. Waiting was terrible with me. It dominated my mind until I was stuck in a swamp of scenarios. Even my yoga time wasn’t immune. The rumination was so strong that sometimes I would roll out my mat only to realize I have already done my practice for that day.

 

“What if scenario A happens? What about scenarios B, C… Z? Worse yet, what if something that I haven’t even considered happens… a scenario outside of the alphabet?”

 

The advice I usually got was “Don’t think about it” or “Just be patient” or a completely unqualified “It’ll be fine.” None of these ever worked for me. I couldn’t simply stop thinking about the outcome. When there is a void in the mind, it immediately fills the gap with whatever it wants (unless we instruct it otherwise). The concept of patience was just as irritating as Waiting itself. It stepped on my values for action and progress.

 

In June 2017 I was diagnosed with The Alien (that’s how I call cancer) Since then I have had 84 medical tests, 5 operations & 3 rounds of chemo; all causing 15 nights of stress, 2.4 tons of tears, and 55,670 ‘what if’s’. That’s precisely 300 hours of Waiting, or as Google defines it:

 

“delaying action [or being a certain way] until a particular time or event”

 

I was married to Waiting. Waiting for test results, confirmations, possible solutions… Waiting until I got through treatment in order to resume my normal life. In a perverse way, Waiting was even more destructive than The Alien because it was eroding my present, in addition to threatening my future.

My relationship with Waiting was dysfunctional. And since I couldn’t fix it by “not thinking about it” or “just being patient” or unfounded trust that “it’ll be fine,” I made a radical choice.

 

I divorced Waiting.

 

I stopped “delaying doing and being until a particular time or event” and this transformed the quality of my daily life.

 

Midway through chemotherapy, I was scheduled for surgery and biopsies to determine whether there was anything left of The Alien. With Waiting no longer in my life, I asked myself two questions.

 

Question 1:

What do I already know?

 

My internal intellect comes in a bundle of mind, body and heart. Through meditation and coaching, I had learnt to distinguish the messages coming from each source. I did this with a simple, 10min exercise I used every time I got scared about the future (which, in the beginning, was every day). I asked my mind, body and heart what they knew about my condition – and I listened for the first answer that would show up. From this exercise, I realized that only my overactive mind was stuck in the scenarios swamp. I knew deep down that I was healthy and only my mind was afraid.

 

Question 2:

What do I choose to believe?

 

The only thing I knew about the future was that it was uncertain. No doctor, expert or crystal ball could guarantee me a specific outcome. Rather than being disheartened, this time I was excited to be able to choose. I decided to believe the best-case scenario. Inspired by Dr. Joe Dizpenza’s book You are the placebo, I did long, detailed visualizations of calmly walking to the hospital, having the surgery and celebrating the brilliant results. This practice reinforced my belief on confident days and got me out of the dumps on nervous days. The philosophy is that thoughts eventually translate to reality. By thinking positive thoughts, I was creating a positive future. Whilst this was not guaranteed, I could see with certainty how much calmer and more energetic I was becoming in that very moment.

 

In essence, I tapped into my subconscious (body and heart) and reinforced the positive truth I already knew with visions of a continuously positive future. This gave me peace of mind and eliminated the temptation to wait for external confirmation. I was liberated. I gained 2 weeks, 5 nights of deep sleep, 7 dinner parties with my London friends, 600 doses of laughter, trashy-magazine-reading-time and endless walks through Hyde Park.

 

My doctor called yesterday – great news, the biopsies were clean! My friends’ first reaction was “You must be relieved.” Yet I wasn’t. I was happy and calm but not surprised. After all, I already knew inside of me that I was healthy and I had continued reinforcing that belief. I was anticipating but not waiting for the confirmation.

 

What external confirmations are you waiting for?

 

Get unstuck by by connecting to what you already know, inside of you. If you would like a deeper, fully personalized experience, book your free sample coaching session.

 

 

 

My P&G Story #17: When I wasn’t promoted

My P&G Story #17: When I wasn’t promoted

Desi Jagger's Blog

My P&G Story #17: When I wasn’t promoted

A few of my peers, including my close friend, got promoted before me.

This caused a confusing bundle of emotions within me. I had performed really well since joining the company and I was ready for the next step. I was surprised I hadn’t been told there were opportunities for promotion. I felt let down by my manager – wasn’t she supposed to fight for me? I felt like a failure. I withdrew into myself, afraid to share my ambitions. To be honest, over the previous few months I hadn’t enjoyed my job and I hadn’t given my best. Yet I still felt I deserved recognition.

This internal conflict continued to simmer until, years later, I found a simple framework that helped me to make sense of my experience and learn from it. Mike Lehr separates out feelings, emotions and intuition:

  • feelings are the sensations that arise from a particular event
  • these feelings form emotions which move us to do, say or think things (e-motion)
  • intuition is the interpretation of these emotions and gives us insights about the situation, other people and ourselves

Intuition is our internal voice of truth. It guides us in the right direction and is especially helpful in situations where data isn’t available and logical reasoning doesn’t work. Intuition helps us to clarify where we stand on a particular issue. In order to connect to our intuition, we need to separate out the loud, confusing voices of our feelings and step back from our emotional reactions. From this clear space, we can ask ourselves: “What does this emotion say about me? About my relationship with this person? About this situation?” The answers can help us learn and move forward.

 

I wanted closure on the promotion situation, so I decided to apply the framework:

 

The event

A few of my peers, my very good friend included, got promoted before me.

 

My feelings

What sensations arose from this event?

I was really happy and proud for my friend, she was passionate and brilliant at her job and she deserved this promotion.

I was resentful and angry with my manager. Why hadn’t she rooting for me after giving me positive feedback all year? Wasn’t it her responsibility to develop and promote her team?

I was disappointed with myself for not achieving my best, for not being first. I began to doubt my capability and intelligence – my perfect track record of straight A’s and awards had been broken.

 

My emotions

How did these feelings move me to think and behave?

I congratulated my friend and was there for her during this exciting journey (happiness, pride).

I confronted my manager and pointed out she had bypassed an opportunity that she knew was important to me (anger). I secretly blamed her for not fighting enough for me (resentment).

I withdrew into myself (doubt) and stepped away from the cheerful, overly optimistic extrovert I had always been. I vowed to stop investing all my energy into this company which clearly didn’t value me (disappointment).

 

My intuition

What were my emotions telling me about my relationship with my friend?

I knew, deep down, that my friend wasn’t just brilliant at her job. She had also worked harder than me. Perhaps even more importantly, she had embraced a much better attitude than me – she had stayed positive and hadn’t complained as much. I knew I didn’t deserve the promotion as much as she did in this particular moment (a year before, yes, but not then). She had always supported. My intuition told me our friendship was worth it. My intuition was right – we have been close friends to this day.

What were my emotions telling me about my relationship with my manager?

Whilst I liked her very much on a personal level, there was something off about her as a manager. This event brought to mind many other small incidents where she had let me down. She had not stood up for me when others had criticized my work – even when she knew I was right. She had not given me credit for my big ideas. She had tried to keep me in a role that bored me. My intuition told me I should fight for myself and not count on her. My intuition was right – she added no value to my career for the whole time we worked together, or afterwards. I ignored this intuition for a long time and continued to rely on her. I kept getting disappointed.

What were my emotions telling me about my relationship with the company?

I was bored of doing the same kind of work. I was tired of rewriting strategy documents with ideas that would never see the light of day. For the first time in my life, I was actively trying to curb my effort instead of giving my all. I wanted to be promoted for the title, for the checkbox, for the prestige. I didn’t care about the work I would be doing once promoted – there was no job within the company that excited me. I felt indignant – I just wanted the company to recognize me for my past achievements and I was waiting for that before I make any more effort. My intuition was telling me that this wasn’t the right place for me (whether it was the company or the job, I wasn’t sure). This wasn’t the first time this message was showing up. Neither was it the last time I ignored it. My intuition was right. I continued to struggle until I left the company, the job and the industry.

In retrospect

Connecting to my intuition, albeit years later, gave me a sense of clarity and peace. And whilst I have not always been brave enough to follow my intuition, reflecting on it encourages me to trust it more next time.

 

Give it a try

It takes practice to learn how to connect with your intuition without confusing it with your emotions. Give it a try right now:

Event: What situation are you stuck in?

Feelings: What sensations are arising?

Emotions: What are these feelings making you think and do?

Intuition: What are these emotions teaching you about your relationships, the situation or yourself?

 

Get unstuck by connecting with your intuition. What emerges when you strip out the feelings and emotional reactions?

 

Not sure how to connect to your intuition (vs emotions)? Coaching helps you de-clutter your mind, strip out emotions and connect to what is true for you, deep down. Follow your intuition and book your free consultation now.

 

 

Photo by Jeremy Bishop